Are you a bona fide douchey dude who's sick of having to text your girlfriend, like, nice things all the time? Then do we have a service for you: the BroApp! This handy app allows guys to send automated, generically nice texts to their girl (or girls!), thereby saving more time for bro-tastic, booze-fueled shenanigans. It's a clever way to embrace one of life's essential truths: Bros before hoes, yo.
The service even includes a protective "girlfriend safety lockdown": When a snooping girl tries to open the app, it directs her to a list of gifts her guy supposedly wants to buy her. Because girls are materialistic product-whores, duh.
As smart, shit-kicking women, it's hard not to pinch our noses at this altogether kind of putrid app. And yet . . . we must admit there's a certain strange seductiveness to everything and anything connected to beer-swigging, hyper-insensitive, shirtless bro culture—or should we say, brah culture. This peculiar subset of the human species is admittedly pretty damn funny. And frightening. But also funny.
In an effort to properly understand this infuriating culture we can't get enough of, we bring you an introductory crash course on everything bro. You're welcome/we're sorry.
Bro Culture 101: An Introduction to Brodom
What does it mean to be a bro? NPR's venn diagram map is a good way to get acquainted with what it calls, in very NPR fashion, this "parodied and celebrated genus of young men." The map introduces us to the four types of bro we will study more closely—Jockish, Dudely, Stoner-ish, Preppy—and provides us with our Shakespeare of bro culture: Ryan Lochte. Which leads us to our first assignment . . .
Assignment 1: Watch all eight episodes of E's What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and write a 10-page paper on why his catch-phrases and actions typify "bro" culture. Try not to die inside.
Bro Culture 201: The Social Acceptance of Bros
Here, we study the legitimization of bros. Primary focus: Obama's decision to market the Affordable Health Care Act to 20-something men via a "Brosurance" campaign featuring frat dudes doing keg stands.
Assignment 2: Prepare a speech arguing for or against the following statement: "It is OK to celebrate and promote bro culture if it's done for a productive cause?"
Bro Culture 301: Bromances
We have explored the ways in which bro culture makes us want to crawl into a dark hole and die. But can it be good, too? In this, our final course, we examine bromances, a rather sweet and socially productive offshoot of bro culture that promotes openly loving relationships between straight dudes.
Assignment 3: Watch the video below, as well as I Love You, Man. Write a dissertation about how bromances are a positive reaction against the crude homophobic tendencies of traditional brodom.
Congratulations, class! You have graduated from our crash course. Now go take a nice long, hot, shower.
Image of a bro we definitely do/don't want to hang out with ASAP: Courtesy of ThinkStock