image: <a href="www.instagram.com/kimkardashian">Instagram</a>
I have no memory of making the decision to follow all of the Kardashian sisters on Instagram. It just sort of happened, as suddenly and undeniably as the cellulite that appeared on my upper thigh a few years ago, or the day I went to 8th grade and found out everyone had decided my new nickname was, inexplicably, “Winoner Boner.”
Honestly, I don’t really remember what life was like before I started following them. Because the Kardashians have an undeniable effect on our culture, and when you follow them on Instagram, they have an effect on you. You get sucked into their world, your definition of “normal” becomes warped, and, well, here’s what happens:
1. You start thinking thigh-high lace-up gladiator stiletto sandals are a sensible everyday footwear option. Even for dentist appointments and parent-teacher conferences and day hikes.
2. Same with a skin-tight leather crop top and Nike sweats with an exposed G-string. “What do you mean this isn’t compatible with the company dress code?”
3. You wonder if you're wearing enough makeup to the gym. Like, obviously you did some light contouring and drew your lips on, but it still feels a bit too casual for a proper treadmill selfie.
4. "Vibes" becomes a prominent word in your vocabulary. It is how you describe everything now: Saturday vibes. Brunch vibes. Birthday vibes. Friendship vibes. Traffic jam vibes. Jury duty vibes. Pap smear vibes. Cleaning behind the fridge vibes. “Should I be worried about this mole” vibes. EVERYTHING IS VIBES.
5. You start feeling insecure about the distinct lack of rappers in your social circle. Why didn’t Drake come to your birthday party? What exactly is Chief Keef doing right now that’s more important than meeting you at Panera Bread for a cinnamon roll/gossip sesh?
6. You ask your hairstylist if you can call her your “glam squad.” When she says “I’d prefer you didn’t,” you ask the lady at the Estee Lauder counter at Dillard’s, who says she will if you make a $50 minimum purchase.
7. You form VERY STRONG opinions about whether Kourtney should give Scott another chance. You still have strong opinions about other things, like women’s rights and climate change regulations, but maybe not quite as strong as your feelings about Scott Disick’s worthiness as a partner/father.
8. You start using “inside Kardashian” terms and nicknames like “Keeks,” “Koko,” “Kyles,” and “Bible.” Shockingly, your boyfriend doesn’t understand what you’re talking about anymore.
9. You wonder why your mom doesn’t wear more sheer mesh tops with no bra. Because compared to Kris Jenner she dresses like, well, a mom.
10. You slowly replace all your previous goals and ambitions with "take the perfect selfie that simultaneously showcases my hair, face, abs, and the Mercedes SUV behind me." It’s surprisingly difficult to find the right angle, especially when the SUV isn’t yours and the owner is yelling at you to move so they can pull out of the gas station.
11. You are SO BUMMED OUT when your Insta pics get less than half a million likes. So . . . always.