I Read Dinosaur Erotica And I Have So Many Feelings

Hey, baby.

Look out, Hitachi Magic Wand, you’ve got nothin’ on brachiosaurus tongue.

Let’s file this under “things my mother wishes I hadn’t written.”

Listen, I don’t know exactly why I subjected myself to this. I guess reading dinosaur erotica was in the same league as bungee jumping or skydiving — an experience, something you try once just to see what it’s like, or a story to tell later on to unsuspecting bar patrons when you're a few martinis in.

But the story I thought I’d be telling — one of amusement and fascination — is not the story I wound up with. The story is neither amusing nor fascinating and, try as I did, I could not make it funny.

The disappointing truth is that dinosaur erotica is like all forms of erotica: A reflection of the world that we live in. No matter how fantastical we make the setting, no matter how otherworldly the characters might be, it still mimics our world in every way.

To be frank, I’m not disturbed by massive dinosaur cock. I’m not disturbed by a T-rex tearing off a loincloth. I’m disturbed by the misogyny that still made its way into so much of the erotica that I encountered.

Dude, I know, it’s sobering and it’s not funny. Nobody asked for a feminist analysis of dinosaur erotica. I didn’t want to even write one. But alas, here we are.

Fuck, y’all. Rape culture is everywhere and I can’t even read some good dino-on-human lovin’ without it screaming “RAPE.” Every scene involved a woman being kidnapped, trapped, or manipulated by high-IQ-dinosaurs who used their strength to terrorize and then assault her. 

Seemingly absent from these narratives were human men, who were either abusers who drove their women away into the jungle, or total cowards who failed at “protecting” their women. The really unfunny truth is that nothing is sacred, not even dinosaur erotica, when it comes to patriarchy.

Ultimately, these fantasies were completely recognizable and unimaginative. Dinosaurs simply replaced men — there were never scenes in which men were enjoying the company of lady dinosaurs — in the grossest and least consensual ways. Bigger dicks, more violence, and scaly bodies.

Not hot. Not even in the slightest.

I would’ve liked to have seen these highly-evolved dinosaurs getting enthusiastic consent from folks of all genders. Can you imagine? 

I know that giant dinosaur dicks sound interesting, but think about this for a second: Giant tongues. Can you imagine the kind of orgasms you could achieve with a giant dinosaur tongue?

Look out, Hitachi Magic Wand, you’ve got nothin’ on brachiosaurus tongue.

Imagine a scenario in which these highly-evolved dinosaurs, instead of destroying an entire village and kidnapping women (SNORE), were actually gentle giants that brought sexual liberation to a village of patriarchal, shitty human beings?

And where, for the love of all that is good, are the gay dinosaurs at? C’mon. Talk about heteronormative. Give me an erotica in which a shy, lesbian dinosaur is finally coming to terms with her sexuality, falls in love with the human barista, and despite the obstacles in their way, winds up U-Hauling it and living happily ever after.

Yes, I think I’m actually suggesting that we need more diverse representations of dinosaurs. Send help.

Will there ever be feminist dinosaur erotica? I honestly don’t know, but I kind of hope so. There’s something to be said for mixing a little science fiction with your sexy times. But “Jurassic Gangbang” just isn’t doing it for me.

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