Independence Day is upon us. The 240th one. Is there a better occasion to demonstrate your deep and abiding love for America?
No. There is not.
Here are 24 ways to really show your stripes — the red, white, and blue ones, of course.
(I could come up with 240, but in the time that takes, I would be able to paint my front door in the image of an American flag.)
1. “Make America Great Again” with Trump bumper stickers.
All over your car. And your neighbor’s car.
“America” means cis, hetero, white/orange men in charge.
2. Illegal fireworks.
Nothing says “I LOVE MY COUNTRY” like getting your finger blown off by something you transported illegally from Mexico.
3. Get divorced.
Independence Day is basically the celebration of America’s divorce from England.
If you’re thinking about dumping your spouse, now seems like an apropos time. Bring sparklers.
4. Assault rifles.
One for the truck. Three for the house. Five concealed.
When discharging into the air, make sure to angle AWAY from your house.
For when The Liberals take your assault rifles.
For when The Liberals take your shotguns.
For when The Zombies take your bayonets.
For when the Zombies chase you World War Z-style with the aforementioned swords.
(Also, good place to hide ammunition.)
9. Christmas lights.
Take them down.
Just for today though, let’s not be hasty.
Better yet, use the aforementioned assault rifle to shoot them down. WWJD.
10. Eagles (the bird).
Get one. Steal a baby if you have to.
Your patriotism is at stake. Post a selfie.
Hashtag America. Hashtag MakeAmericaGreatAgain.
11. Eagles (the band).
“Hotel California.” Full volume.
12. America (also the band).
I've been through the desert on a horse with no name...
...bareback, in Wrangler jeans, with a big belt buckle and a pack of Marlboro Reds.
13. Ice cream.
Keep your dessert as white as your Presidential hopeful.
Bonus: Boy Scouts to raise and lower at dawn and dusk.
Don’t forget the National Anthem.
Put in on your burgers.
Put it in your baked beans (Boston, obviously).
The pig is the penultimate American farm animal.
16. Speaking of hamburgers...
The more cows the better.
What else is going to produce methane?
Cars also produce methane.
Buy American. So, Chevy only.
Toyota Camry? No. I mean, they’re made in America, but they originally came from Japan.
American-made cars scream, “I love my Country so much, I don’t care that I’m driving a piece of junk.”
18. Matching 4th Of July T-shirts!
For the whole family! Old Navy. $5.
I mean, they were probably made by a 15-year-old in Bangladesh, but no one has to know that.
FREEDOM ISN’T FREE (but it is deeply discounted).
19. WALMART 4EVER!
If you just can’t stomach the thought of foreign labor, buy your shirts at Walmart.
What’s more American than minimum wage and small-business-crushing capitalism? Nothing.
20. Fried pickles.
V V American.
21. Fried everything else you can find to fry.
See #15. Start with pig ears.
How about that one with Mel Gibson?
The really patriotic one... What’s it called?
Oh yeah — The Beaver.
23. When that’s over…
Only in America can an anti-Semitic Australian play a hero of the Revolutionary War.
24. Coors Lite.
4.2% alcohol. 102 calories. Made in the Rockies. Rocky Mountain high. etc.
The American beer you can enjoy with none of the “guilt” of a regular Coors, at 149 calories.
On a serious note, for fair trade clothing, you can shop here.