Ask Erin: How Do I Tell My Friend Who Just Miscarried That I’m Pregnant?

She may have feelings she needs to process privately. (Image: Thinkstock)

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to…Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.


Q.

Hi Erin,

I'm coming to you because I have a sensitive question and I feel like you may be able to help me best handle it. 

A very close friend of mine miscarried a few weeks ago,  just a day after announcing her pregnancy to family and close friends. It has been a difficult time for her and I have done my best to be there for her and her husband. 

They knew that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for a while, and we actually found out about our pregnancy the same week they lost theirs. I am now 13 weeks and want to tell my friend when we have lunch next week. However,  I want to make sure I'm being as sensitive as I can. 

We have not talked about my husband and I trying to conceive since they lost their baby, because I didn’t know how or when to bring it up. Any suggestions on the best way to share this news? I know she will be happy for me, but I also know the hurt is still very much present. Many thanks for any advice you can give.

 

A.

First, I want to thank you for having the foresight and compassion to consider the feelings of your friend, despite how eager you are to share this wonderful news with her. It is indicative of the type of friend you are. 

I truly understand this situation. As you may already know, I have had my fair share of experience with miscarriages. So, I have been your friend. I have also been you, pregnant shortly after a friend’s loss. 

This is what I know. She will be happy for you. 

Her grief will not prevent her from sharing in your joy. Sorrow and happiness can co-exist. 

This past August, I had a second trimester loss, which was the most devastating of all the losses I’ve had. I have friends and family members who are currently pregnant, due around the time I would have delivered, had I carried to term. My grief has not prevented me from feeling so happy for what they have.  

That being said, let her know before you see her in person. Let her know via text or email. Because she may have feelings she needs to process privately, so that when she sees you, she can indeed celebrate your happy news. 

Allow her that space to do so.

And, there is a chance she may not be ready. That’s okay. We all process grief in our own time and in our own ways. Part of the healing process is being able to participate in life again and I trust that your friend will. 


If you have a question for me about love, sex, pregnancy, miscarriage, what I’m reading, Crashing — the TV show, Chrysocolla, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

 
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