"When you’re wearing your belly-covering guitar, people will think you’re a real cool rock lady who spends the time when she’s not writing songs totally probably going to the gym." Image: Thinkstock
It’s summer and if there’s one thing we can be sure of, it’s that you’re disgusting. You think you can just stuff any old body into a bathing suit? You need a special license for that. Nobody on the Internet even wants to masturbate to you!
Unfortunately, exercise is hard, and boring, and eating things is fun. That’s why I’ve come up with this helpful list of ways to disguise that flabby problem tummy without actually having to (yawn) lose any weight.
1. Always be standing behind something
It works for pregnant ladies on the TV! And also Gary Oldman when he played a little person in Tiptoes. You can stand behind a bar, a couch, a high table, or a strategically placed lamp like Kerry Washington on Scandal.
A podium would lend a nice air of authority. Maybe you should run for political office!
2. Wear a guitar at all times
What looks cooler than a guitar? Nothing, if you ask 14-year-old me, who used to pose with one in front of her bedroom mirror despite never properly learning how to play it.
When you’re wearing your belly-covering guitar, people will think you’re a real cool rock lady who spends the time when she’s not writing songs totally probably going to the gym.
3. Break your arm and wear an oversized sling
Some would say you could just wear the sling, but I believe in authenticity. And isn’t physical beauty so much more important than intact bones?
Plus, think of the sympathy! Now you’re skinny and popular.
4. Wear an inner tube and tell people you’re going to the beach
It’s summer! If anyone tries to question you, just yell “Wheeeeeeeee!!!!”
5. Wear a baby carrier
One of the benefits of a new baby is being able to strap a little human over your wobbly bits. It's a bit like Spanx, if Spanx liked to spit up everywhere.
If you don’t have a baby, just wear the carrier. When someone asks you about your empty carrier, just look down and scream “OH MY GOD” before running away.
6. Pretend to be pregnant
Speaking of babies, why not just blame your belly on one of those sneaky little critters? Say: “I’m not fat-fat, I’m pregnant-fat and my body is a miracle.”
It’s best if you repeat this a lot with no context. Make people give you their seats everywhere you go.
7. Wear an oversized coat
Who cares if it’s 90 degrees outside? Beauty is pain.
8. Never stand up
Standing up is the worst, anyway. If you’re always sitting behind a desk, or better yet, swaddled underneath a pile of blankets in your bed, no one will be able to scrutinize your midsection.
9. Become a cigarette girl and wear one of those trays
You’re so kitschy and ironic, like a burlesque dancer who dresses up as Slimer from Ghostbusters but sexy. Make extra money by selling cigarettes and light narcotics.
10. Carry a watermelon
When people say something about your watermelon, quote Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing by saying, “I carried a watermelon.”
When they look at you strangely, say, “Dirty Dancing”? and glare at them for their lack of pop culture savvy.
11. Set up an advice stand a la Lucy from Peanuts
Never leave advice stand. Don’t pay much attention to advice you are giving, since you are only being paid five cents.
12. Wear a sandwich board
Tell people you were sentenced to wear your sandwich board by a hard-hitting judge with unconventional techniques. You certainly haven’t been eating too many sandwiches, HA ha HA. Keep laughing until everyone is uncomfortable.
13. Remove your human suit and finally reveal your robot body
You are Zorg, the destroyer. Those who dared to insult you in your mortal form will now pay. The time has come for the destruction of the human race. LASERS!!!