Is an addiction to Amazon so bad?
You knew before you even finished reading the title that you’re addicted. You’re so addicted that you’re actually proud of it, smug even. And with Today’s Deals and free shipping, who can blame you? In case you need that extra confirmation, below are a few signs that you’re totally devoted to the instant gratification that only comes from Amazon.com.
1. You pass a drug store on your way to work and furrow your brow, completely forgetting the purpose of that place.
Then it comes back to you. You used to frequently stop there for shampoo and cheap makeup in the age of BP (Before Prime).
2. Your friend says she wants to watch a movie with you.
You cringe when she comes over and produces an actual disc from her bag. You want to help her figure out where it’s supposed to go, but your hands are tied. You don’t even own a DVD player anymore.
3. Your kid grabs your wine glass and throws it off the table, completely shattering your cup ‘o’ mommy juice.
You have a stemless replacement in your cart before he has even completed his tantrum. You sip straight from the bottle, the patron saint of patience, for a whole 48 hours before the replacement arrives.
4. You laugh heartily at the nearby boutique when the girl behind the counter requests your payment information, thinking it is a joke.
She has it automatically stored, of course. You give her a few finger guns and winks in acknowledgement of her humor and back away with the bag, inadvertently shoplifting.
5. Your recycling bin has now overflowed into your neighbor’s yard.
It solely consists of empty Amazon boxes. There’s a solid chance that the missing family pet has not actually run off into oncoming traffic, but is rather adrift in a sea of cardboard.
6. You read a Facebook post about a local indie bookstore closing its doors and become enraged.
You scatter your pile of cheap used books across your desk and send your Kindle flying across the room. Oops.
7. You’re caught in what appears to be an overwhelmingly large ball of wrapping paper and scotch tape while attempting to wrap a gift.
You’re out of practice. You’re used to paying a little extra and having the gift wrapped for you, then directly shipped to friends and relatives. In fact, if you can emerge from the mire you’ve inadvertently built around yourself and seem relatively unscathed from the paper cuts, you’ll have to check your Amazon list to find your aunt’s address and actually mail this monstrosity. “Never again!” you would say, if your mouth weren’t taped shut.
8. An empty front porch looks obscene in its wrongness.
Where are all the boxes?!
9. The site’s “Recommended for You” section knows you better than your best friend.
It really gets you. And it doesn’t give you a snarky look when you eat its last pint of Ben & Jerry’s straight from the carton.
10. A woman asks you a question about Eggos in the frozen food aisle and you find yourself explaining Prime Pantry and bonus credits for slower shipping, without knowing exactly how you started talking.
You add that you won’t be going here for much longer once AmazonFresh is available in your city.
11. Only you are to blame for your child’s failing grade when you help her with a science project, completely blocking out the fact that the name of the world’s largest online retailer is also the name of the world’s largest tropical rainforest.
No wonder your kid kept talking about poison dart frogs. You know for a fact, because you checked, that frogs are not Prime-eligible. At least not yet.
You’ve started organizing your office paperwork and your home’s closets using the official list of Amazon Departments, which you have memorized in alphabetical order.
13. You haven't even smiled at your husband in the past couple of days, but you've managed to squeeze in a few stanzas of a love sonnet for the guy who delivers those smiley face boxes to your doorstep.
After all, he’s there for you before you can even say “iambic pentameter.”
14. You're on a first name basis with the guy who delivers those smiley face boxes to your doorstep.
You’re not really sure if you own Prime or if Prime owns you, but you don’t really care either way. You’re hooked and you’ll shout it from the rooftops (if that becomes part of the membership requirements).