It’s time to address the giant pink dildo in the room, people.
We all know everyone has gone batty over DIY everything — from backyard tiki bars and bottle-cap coasters to DIY White Castle Sliders. But the craze has found its way to sex. And through some admittedly regrettable Google searches, I've discovered that a lot of people are attempting DIY sex toys, and I don't mean of the name-brand variety. I'm talking paper clips, peanuts, and plaster — and believe me, it ain't pretty.
Attention everyone: DIY sex toys are NOT a good idea. Here’s why.
You shouldn't be putting weird ingredients or objects inside your body.
If there is one thing you should understand about the human body, it's that you shouldn’t be putting foreign, unknown, or unclassified things inside of it. This includes, but is not limited to: a wooden rolling pin, hospital glove, electric toothbrush, or Saran wrap. Putting weird things in your orifices is a one-way ticket to Yeast Infection, USA, population: YOU.
These same rules apply for putting your body parts IN unknown, unclassified places. You shouldn’t be sticking your junk somewhere you’re not sure it belongs. Your health is paramount, and when it comes to sex toys, no orgasm is worth a trip to the ER.
Take, for example, the DIY love glove plans I recently discovered. The instructions called for blowing up two hospital gloves, twisting and wrapping them together in some odd fashion, and drawing on pubic hair with a Sharpie. A latex vagina!
A DIY disaster.
What happens if that blown-up love glove POPS while your penis is in there? You go to the hospital and have to explain to a judgemental nurse named Susan that you’re so crafty that you thought your creative genius was above getting a real Fleshlight. And that does not sound fun or enjoyable in any way.
Sex toys are a worthy investment.
If you’re in desperate need of a great new sex toy, vibrator, or anal beads, it’s worth spending the extra money rather than risking an injury. I know it seems unlikely that you’d hurt yourself, but it actually IS NOT that unlikely.
Think about how horrible that DIY ninja turtle cake came out after you tried to follow the visual guidelines on Pinterest. Consider how bad you are at DIY. Sex toys are not the time to try out your crafting skills.
I know sex toys are expensive. But it's for a good reason! They are made to be safe, comfortable, and effective. They are an investment and will last a very long time. It’s worth doling out the extra cash.
Chemicals are hazardous to your health.
All those DIY dishes and cookie recipes are fine because they are made with ingredients you know are safe for your body, like sugar and flour and other things designed for human consumption. This is not the case for sex toys.
Good, high-quality sex toys are made from materials that are specifically classified as safe for the human body. We’re talking medical-grade silicone, elastomer, and stainless steel.
“Silicone is one of our favorites because it's non-porous and easily cleaned with soap and water," says Claire Cavanah, founder of Babeland. "Ditto for hard plastic, Elastomer, stainless steel, and Pyrex. These are all materials that have been declared 'body-safe, ' and they won't leach chemicals or store bacteria. (They all should be cleaned after use.)”
These are the things you WANT your sex toys to be made of.
You don’t want to fill body cavities or put body parts inside of something that is full of chemicals and parabens. “Never put anything in an orifice without knowing you can get it out again,” Cavanah says.
That means no powdery, plastic gloves on your penis! No metal, spinning toothbrush heads in your vagina! It isn’t safe; it isn’t healthy. And on that note, while I love coconut oil, Cavanah was sure to let me know that it's not the best for sex. “Lube is lube. Vegetable oil, olive oil, and coconut oil are not.” The more you know.