She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
I really need some advice and possible answers!
My best friend is my ex.
We were together for only about six months, and we were living together for about half the time we were together. He’s different from any other guy I've ever been with, and I fell for him almost instantly.
We broke up about six-seven months ago. We didn’t talk for about a couple months afterward and then one day he started talking to me and asked me if I wanted to hang out, alone. We ended up going to a street dance together and got a few drinks afterward.
We've hung out ever since, nonstop, and always text each other and go to movies and out to eat; it’s almost as if we are dating. We've also slept together countless times.
He knows I have strong feelings for him, but I don’t know if he still feels the same for me.
A lot of the time I feel like he does and then other times it just feels like we’re really good friends. I notice he looks at me certain ways and says certain things that I know he wouldn’t just say to anyone.
I've been trying to move on constantly, but nothing ever works; I can almost promise you he’s my soulmate.
One day I started dating someone else, and it quickly ended. I ended up going over to my best friend’s place to talk to him about it, and he was very supportive; he’s always been there for me.
Also, he hasn't had a girlfriend since we broke up. He always tells me about girls that he goes on dates with and how they are all "stupid" and wear too much makeup and are always "too much.” And I think to myself, well you're kinda describing the opposite of me! And also thinking well you have what you say you want right in front of you!
After I had talked to him about my breakup we ended up watching a movie, and in the middle of it he had put his arms around me and pulled me up onto his lap, and we continued to cuddle through another movie, and I ended up spending the night, and we also slept together.
All the signs point to him still having strong feelings for me, but I'm just not sure.
And I don’t know how to go about talking to him about this or if there really is a possibility of more than just a friendship between us.
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I don’t think you’re going to like my answer. Might he still have feelings for you? Yes.
Do I think he wants to get back together with you? No.
Here’s why: he has all of the benefits of a relationship with your right now without any of the strings. He is free to date and sleep with whomever he wants, but can still hang out with you — someone he’s close to — and have casual sex when he wants. It sounds like a pretty comfortable situation for him.
What concerns me is where you are in all of this. It’s pretty hard to move on from someone if you are still hanging out with them all the time and sleeping together. You need to be honest with yourself and him about what you want.
You don’t want to be his best friend; you want to be his girlfriend.
Is it a risk to tell him clearly how you feel? Sure. But it’s a bigger risk to stay in this murky territory with him, pretending that you just want this casual friends-with-benefits thing.
Tell him how you feel and what you want. Ask him to be clear with you about what he wants. Then you will have the information you need to decide between keeping him in your life.
And please don’t do that thing where you hang on to the hope that he will change his mind.
You are worth someone being sure of committing to you now.
I know you mentioned that you feel like he might be your soulmate. He might be. But guess what? We have many soulmates in life. I am sure of this. And some of them are only in our lives a short while. It’s okay to let him go. I believe you will find love again, and with someone who is ready to commit.
So have that conversation and get the clarity you need to move forward, one way or another.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pollucite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo