A lot of my vulva-having clients are frustrated that they haven't unlocked some level of orgasming that they think they should have access to. When I dig into what their current experience is, there are three typical responses. The first is that they don’t believe they have experienced an orgasm at all (and some of them have not). Second is that they can experience orgasm on their own but cannot orgasm through partnered sex. I have seen this in straight and lesbian women. And finally, I have had clients who can orgasm consistently on their own and with a partner usually through clitoral stimulation but who want to have a “real” orgasm through penetration.
I would like to dispel the myth that there is a right or real way to cum because the pressure that this idea puts on women is enough to make women doubt their bodies and question their sensations of pleasure and enjoyment. To me, this is a trap. It sets women up to always look outside themselves for validation of their own experiences.
If you have been reading my pieces for Ravishly, you’ll notice that patriarchy is a recurring theme when it comes to how women express their sexuality.
Orgasm is no different. The idea that there is an immature (clitoral) and mature (vaginal) orgasm for women was popularized by Sigmund Freud. He observed little girls in natural pleasure-seeking behavior grinding their vulvas on various items (toys, couches, blankets, etc.) and concluded that this form of sexual gratification was just for the prepubescent girl. He then ordained that for women to be fully sexually mature, they must obtain sexual pleasure through vaginal penetration.
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Please note that the clitoris is highly sensitive. It has about 8,000 nerve endings and becomes engorged like the penis during arousal. The vaginal cavity has nerve endings in the first few inches only because the clitoris has finger-like extensions into the vagina. The piece of female sexuality that has been denied us is that the clitoris is the female Pleasure Center. It controls what happens to the rest of our sexual anatomy. Happy clit, happy life!