18 Things Your Kid Should Know Before They Go Off To College

Photo by Keith Luke on Unsplash

The time has come. Your wee bird-leech is about to flop somewhat hopelessly from the nest. College is a wonderful time but here are a few things you might want to tell your little parasite before they go. 

1. Your bedroom is not your bedroom anymore.

There are far too many people in this house to leave valuable real estate unoccupied. When I moved out, my dad turned my bedroom into a pot farm. You can deal with me moving your bed out of the way for my sewing machine.

2. Out in the grown-up adult world, it costs money to do laundry.

That’s right; some of these “laundromats” actually require the use of quarters. These “quarters," which you may not be familiar with, are round metal units of real cash money.

3. If you decide not to do laundry, you will smell.

You will probably also contract athlete’s foot. The good news is, since no one will date you and your snakeskin peeling foul excuse for feet, you will be at a significantly reduced risk of contracting an STI.

4. In the event a consensual sexual situation does present itself…

Condoms are free in the student health center.

Also: drunk ≠ consent.

5. You’re probably not drinking enough water.

Especially if you have a headache.

6. Gasoline is upwards of $3.50 a gallon.

If your GPA is that good, you’ll get into grad school. In the meantime, ride your bike.

7. Wiping your razor blade with alcohol after you use it will prolong its life.

Razor blades are $10,000.

8. Textbooks are one million dollars.

The market rate for plasma varies. Call your local blood center for details.

Stripping pays pretty well.

9. Pizza at Little Caesar's is $5.

Peanut butter and jelly is almost free. Cup o’ noodle is toxic; don’t eat that shit.

10. Dorm rooms almost always smell like ass.

Don’t worry; it’s not just yours.

11. Label the food that belongs to you.

If you do not label the food that belongs to you, one of your roommates will eat it. This is survival of the fittest. The fittest label their food.

12. You’re definitely not drinking enough water.

Rockstar doesn’t count as water.

Neither does coffee.

13. Stay away from Starbucks.

They are a cunning mistress of coffee and baked good seduction. You need that money for laundry.

14. Stay out of Target.

They are a bunch of dirty bastards who will rob you like a pickpocket while you’re trying to buy toothpaste.

15. Most people change their majors at least twice.

But not seven times; that’s too many. You can stay in college for 20 years if you want, but I’m not paying for it.

16. Most people end up on academic probation at least once.

Don’t worry. But also, quit playing beer pong and do your homework.

17. If you have to take out student loans, do.

But also know you will be paying them off from your coffin — if Sallie Mae will let you have a coffin. If not, don’t worry, the worms will eat you in a year or two probably.

18. If you’re at college, you have an opportunity most people don’t.

Change majors twice. But don’t blow it.


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