She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
I’m worried my new relationship = rebound.
We have been dating for about a month now. Physically and emotionally we are 'connected.' However, I can't help but feel she is not ready for a relationship. The reason being she came out of a relationship four months ago.
Her ex did not love her as much as she did. I can’t help but think we are in a rebound relationship. I am starting to really fall for this girl, but she begins to distance herself when we are not together.
She does not call in the evening or text me goodnight, while I’m usually the one initiating this. I don’t mind this, but I don’t like being led on. She’s on messenger most of the evening.
Does she just need space and need me to slow down?
I haven’t spoken to her since Sunday evening. Today it is Tuesday morning, and she hasn’t initiated any contact. We spent the weekend mostly in bed, so I am not sure what to make of that.
We have gone on three road trips, and we had a really great time. But she always has that doubt, and something tells me it’s about us. I haven't asked her about that.
What do you think of all this?
Thanks in advance.
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Anytime we are in a relationship and not getting what we need — attention, affection, reciprocation, etc. — it’s not going to feel right. And that’s why you’re sensing something is amiss.
Whether or not that’s because she is still processing/mourning her last relationship is irrelevant.
You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who mirrors your behavior.
Now, I don’t mean that you should be with someone who does everything exactly as you do. And, in relationships, there will always be times when one partner is giving more than the other. But, this sounds like a whole lot of you putting in the effort — effort that is not being returned.
You asked if she needs space and if you should slow down? This is where I want you to start.
Ask her exactly that.
Often in relationships, especially when they are new, we spend so much time guessing what the other person is thinking/wants/needs, when really you just need to ask.
Likewise, I think it’s important to have a conversation about what YOU need. It doesn’t sound like you are expecting unrealistic things from her. You don’t want to be the only one initiating contact and moving the relationship forward. That’s very reasonable.
Have this conversation sooner rather than later. It’s important when we are looking to move a relationship towards a more profound commitment that there is clear, honest communication, that both people are on the same page, and that needs are being expressed and acknowledged.
Lastly, don’t discount your gut instincts here.
You are noticing what’s amiss. Now, your job is to address it. As I have said many times, and I stand by this statement, relationships are not hard work. That doesn’t mean you idly sit by and give nothing. It means that when a match is a good one, the “work” feels effortless most of the time.
Good luck and let me know how the conversation goes!
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, recovery, friendship, sex, consent, the best dairy-free snickerdoodle ice cream, Azurite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo