I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but millennials are ruining EVERYTHING. According to think pieces and hot takes that are published on a near daily basis, millennials and their strange proclivities are responsible for a host of cultural and economic issues: everything from the collapse of the housing market to the death of the 9-5 work day.
Basically, if you took a map of the world and put red pushpins wherever something terrible was happening, you’d find a millennial directly in the center, snapchatting.
It’s hard to keep track of all the different sins millennials are committing, which is why I’ve organized a list of them here, which you can peruse and see if you, too, might be to blame for the downfall of society.
1. You’re reading this on your cell phone.
Millennials are obsessed with their cell phones. It’s weird, right? They act like they have a handheld computer in their pocket giving them an instant connection to a limitless world of information and social connections. Whatever happened to typewriters? Oh yeah, millennials made them obsolete because they’re heavy and don’t have selfie filters.
2. You don’t own a home.
This is one of the most frequent accusations leveraged at millennials: they’re not buying enough houses, and no one can figure out why. Could it be the massive amounts of student debt weighing them down while average wages have stagnated? That doesn’t seem right. More likely: you had a down payment for a house saved up, but you blew it on Kylie Jenner lip kits. Sigh. Typical.
3. You want to like your job.
This is the most telling sign of a millennial: you aren’t satisfied with just any job. You want a cool job. An interesting job. A meaningful job. You want to come to work every day and feel like you’re making a difference, connecting with coworkers, being creative. You’re disgusting.
4. You don’t want to work in a cubicle.
This goes along with the previous point: in addition to wanting a job you find interesting and fulfilling, you also don’t want to do your interesting and fulfilling job in a plastic cube. You want flexibility. You want interesting surroundings, whether that’s an open plan office with ping pong table desks or a beautifully renovated VW van. Did you even know that you can hang up a motivational poster of a mountain in your cubicle and it’s basically the same thing as working remotely in a yurt on an actual mountain? Millennials: the least imaginative generation.
5. You don’t have a retirement fund.
What’s that? I’m having trouble hearing you. It sounds like you’re saying “my job doesn’t offer any benefits, including retirement” but you’re a millennial, which means you must be saying “I’m whimsical and don’t care about my financial future.” Right?
6. You’ve used Airbnb, Lyft, or Postmates.
Participation in the “sharing economy” is a big red flag that you might be a terrible millennial. Opting for an Airbnb over a good old fashioned hotel, hailing a Lyft instead of a cab, or hiring someone to deliver a burrito to your couch are all sure-fire signs that you’re ruining everything. Do you ever think of the Hiltons? How will they survive if you forsake their global hotel conglomerate?
7. You take selfies.
Somewhere along the way, silly millennials got confused about which direction you’re supposed to point a camera. Because of this, a hundred years from now, there will be no photos to document our physical surroundings at this point in history. No photos of cities or oceans or mountains or avocado toast. Just millions of flower crown selfies.