Scientists Discover Ancient Viruses In the Arctic That Will Probably Kill Us All

In case you're still worrying about the Ebola virus, you can stop now — Ebola is officially the LEAST of your worries. It's time to throw out the old Ebola scare like Donald Trump's dignity and embrace the newly-discovered, and utterly terrifying, threat that are ancient super-viruses. DUN, DUN, DUNNN.

No, really. It turns out that incredibly strong viruses have been chilling in the arctic (see what I did there?) for millennia, and NOW they are being uncovered by the melting of the ice. So, not only has humankind completely fucked itself through global warming in terms of, oh, a silly little thing called HALF OF FUCKING AMERICA predicted to end up below sea level and having no goddamn avocados left on the planet to make guacamole — our complete and utter failure to stop destroying the planet has resulted in temperature increases that are freeing formerly dormant super-viruses that can, and probably will, kill us all, too. Take a bow, folks.

It seems pretty clear that this planet is doing its best to exterminate us, and with good reason. But, in case you were holding out hope that you can flee to Mars when this planet goes to hell, it turns out that humans are already trying to destroy THAT planet, too. This time, by launching massive quantities of thermonuclear weapons through space at Mars in order to CREATE global warming. Because what could possibly go wrong with THAT? 

Thankfully, you probably won't die from ancient viruses quite yet. Scientists have determined that the first ancient virus they discovered infects only amoebas, not humans. But, before you relax too much, the verdict is still out on the second virus — and anything else they find lurking in the melting ice. 

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