What if We All Charged Inconvenience Fees When Dating?

Discovering the cute guy you’re on a date with voted for Trump.

Discovering the cute guy you’re on a date with voted for Trump.

When couples decide to get divorced, there are many fees associated with the impending split, from paying lawyers to setting up spousal support payments. That’s one of the things that makes dissolving a marriage more difficult than dissolving a “romantic relationship” — one is legally binding and ends with a lot of documentation, while the other can end with something as simple as a text message or emoji. 

But Mariah Carey, star of the reality show Mariah’s World on E!, threw a curve ball at non-marital breakups by imposing a $50 million “inconvenience fee” on her ex-fiance, Australian billionaire James Packer. Apparently, even though they never walked down the aisle, Mimi felt she deserved this money in their prenup divorce settlement, because she was forced to relocate her family across the country and deal with his broken promises (ouch).

This was a true diva move on Ms. Carey’s part, on a much higher scale than any normal breakup, but who hasn’t thought about charging inconvenience fees when it comes to dating? 

Think about all of the stupid mishaps people have encountered and/or caused and all the possible inconvenience fees to come with them.

  • Being smitten with the wrong guy in the Tinder pic and wishing he was the one you had swiped right on.
  • Mentioning that quinoa gives you gas while looking at the restaurant menu.
  • Discovering the cute guy you’re on a date with voted for Trump.
  • Discovering the cute guy you’re on a date with isn’t old enough to vote for Trump. 
  • Talking about TV characters like they’re actually your friends and sounding crazy (“You sound like Phoebe.” “Your friend?” “No, Buffay. Who else?”).
  • Receiving a LinkedIn request for a job interview from a Tinder user who once told you he liked your boobs.

  • Doing a terrible (and unsolicited) impression of Macho Man Randy Savage as a means to impress a guy.
  • Having a makeshift map drawn for you when you’re not entirely sure where Tanzania is. 
  • Being invited out for a drink and the guy leaving as soon as he finishes his drink.
  • Attempting to flirt with a guy who’s smoking a cigarette and instead telling him he might get cancer. 
  • Accidentally mentioning something you saw on their Facebook wall when you’re not Facebook friends.

  • Making a spot-on reference to Luis Mendoza in Mighty Ducks 2 and hearing crickets.
  • Admitting you sometimes feel like a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.

Mariah Carey may be able to use her diva status to earn some fast cash from an ex and make bank, but for everyone else, it might be an added expense, leaving singletons financially in the red. 

And yet, it would be nice to know for every inconvenience you cause when dating, you could always just say, “Put it on my tab!”

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